Wow! After stating that I wanted to blog regularly after my ages-long break, it only took me four months for the next entry! Well, I’ve reduced it by at least two months… Ain’t I amazing? Well, truth to be told, my life was this time just too boring to blog about. Nothing much happened apart from me freaking out about university, as always. But now, I have something to rant about again. …yay? Not too sure I’m actually happy about this.
This is something that has bothered me for quite a while now, and which I’m thinking about a lot.
It’s… my face. Well, duh, it’s in the title, but this isn’t me being obsessed with my looks for a change. Or rather, it is, but in a different way.
There’s something about my face that just seems to put people off. I cannot count how often I’ve heard that my face looks…
- as if I’m mad at everyone
- evil (yes)
- arro… oh, wait, we’ve had that already.
Yeah. It’s really annoying, I can be sitting quietly and think about unicorns, cupcakes and pink little fluffy kittens, but I seem to give off an air of someone you’d better not approach. Smiling doesn’t help, either.
Worst thing was when one of my close friends recounted how we met each other. We had just been introduced by another friend, she accompanied said friend out of class and then turned back to me still sitting somewhere up in the auditorium. I was DESPERATELY hoping for her to come up, because I hadn’t met anyone yet and felt lonely. And guess what?
She said she had been afraid of approaching me again, because I looked so mad/angry/evil/whatever.
I honestly don’t know what it is that makes my face this way. I’ve had one friend suggest it’s my high cheekbones, but can that be all? Self-conscious as I am I’m observing myself a lot, obsessing about any detail and trying to correct whatever it is that is wrong with me. But I didn’t find that something yet, because people keep running away from me. I must confess, it depresses me. People tell me that I should consider the positive side: anyone who can look past my face to befriend me must be worth befriending, because that person isn’t affected by outer appearances. But still, how many decent, nice, funny and good people did I miss out on because I give off an aura of being pissed and arrogant all the time?
And then, there’s the other thing. I’ve always had trouble finding friends, and many of my friendships ended in huge, emotional fights. It was always a relief to me, breaking off those friendships- despite all the sadness it caused me, they had often evolved into something that wasn’t much of a friendship anymore, and had become unbearable for me. I’m not whining when I say I was suffering in some of those “friendships”. But still, the fact remains that throughout my life, I’ve been unable to carry friendships on for longer than a five- or six year period, and it always ended with a crash. Pegging all of that to bad luck and a worse fate seems to be too easy.
And so I wonder, is it my fault? Am I somehow just not compatible with normal people? Am I abnormal? Is that what everyone is seeing in my face and that keeps people away? Or maybe I am arrogant after all, and just don’t notice simply because I’m too arrogant to make it my fault? This troubles me a lot. Especially since I’m not too sure what to do about it. I can honestly say I try my best to be a good friend, and a good person in general. But doesn’t everyone? I just don’t know.
I guess, in the end I can’t really do more than keep trying to be the best person I can be, despite everything.
This wasn’t too long now, I guess… but I just wanted this out.
I hope I can blog about something happier next time. I’ve got myself yet another obsession, so that might be something to take on soon.
Maybe I’ll even manage before it’s another four months.